I do have emotional, psychological and drug problems.
My story starts in October probably.
I had a friend. She was the first person I could honestly call a true friend. We met because of ponies. I could tell her my every secret and was understood and not judged. However, on this one day in October or maybe November, she turned away from me. She told me that she is fed up with me stalking her. It was true. But it was because I cared too much. I hadn't crush or something. (I think that source of problem is that my definition of friendship is sometimes mixing with romantic relationship; I now try to separate it as soon as I feel something is not right, did this mistake again with another person.) None of my acquaintances was so open-minded and I trusted her. After she did that, I saw a lot of mistakes I committed against her. I understood them. I might have even done them towards other people, but now I know at least some of them (definitely not all). I think I changed.
That day, the only thing that kept me away from suicide was alcohol and pot. After some time I felt that everything is fine and I don't really care. I focused on my studies. But now after 6 months it came back. I still love her (as a friend). I have hope that she may at least forgive me. I don't want it to be like in the past because I'm aware that it was toxic (and one of the mistakes: I knew about it and didn't do anything). I just don't want to be her enemy. She tried to hide from me. Changed usernames, blocked me everywhere.
Today, I took ethylphenidate. I needed it to focus on studying. I have friends (interesting fact that bronies) who support me like
. But still these relationships are not as powerful as one with her (at least on my side).
I also have some weird stuff going on with my gender identity. I'm asexual probably bi-romantic. I'm physically male, most of the time male. However, I sometimes address myself as a female. (Probably because I produce more estrogen than usual male). I need someone to whom I'm special and they are special to me (don't care if a girl or dude). I don't trust many, I don't tell everything about me to everyone. I just know that most of them won't understand.TL;DR/Summary.
I lost a friend, I still care about her, I take drugs (at least still not addicted), I'm not committing suicide, I don't have depression, I'm just sad.
Share love, spread love, because it's infinite and the highest value.