jeurobrony

How much emotion I held for her? How much love was reserved? How strong is this bullshit? Will I ever be happy again? Is it possible for me to be so happy with someone as I imagined being with her? Will she ever forgive me? Why do I even care if she forgives me. All of a sudden I lost balance. It was awesome an hour ago. Whole day was awesome. And I thought about her. One thought lead to another. I lost it. I went insane. Because I'm an idiot. An idiot who believes that some fucking impossible miracle will happen. The time will be reversed or something. Or I will wake up next to her, because it's a fucking miracle, everything might be possible. Might. But it's not possible.
The more important question: WHY DO I FUCKING WRITE THIS HERE?!

Don't read this please.


Just useless piece of sh*t. I can't do anything properly.
I don't care if I can write code, solve algorithms, do maths, draw or take drugs properly and better than 90% of it's users.
I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I'm a fraud.
I'll never be a friend to anyone. Never was, neither am I. Because I'm too idiotic to be one. I don't have feelings. I don't have emotions. I'm probably the worst person to have ever existed in the entire universe. Others are better than me. They have always been. I hate myself. Everybody hates me. If someone says that this is not true, they are a freaking liar, or just have high morals and feel sorry. If you are actually reading this, don't dare to feel sorry.
I could keep on, if I've failed exams. I could keep on, if I've no job, if I haven't been able to solve something, if I've drawn something awful. But I'm awful at being myself as the real self. Most won't understand what I mean. I don't have depression. Most of depressions are misidentifications. I'm simply no one. Others somehow are able to help anyone who needs help. I don't mean materialistic one. I have never ever helped anyone, though I tried. I am so useless. I am so hopeless. I wish I was never born, never existing. I hate my parents for not killing me after birth.

jeurobrony.esy.es/ponycard/
Still in alpha state. Should work with newest Firefoxes/Chromes. Probably with Operas, Safaris and IE 9+ also.
Will publish more mirrors soon.

So... My online ID Card Generator has been closed by a hosting company due to overly large server load as for a free website plan. (Maybe it was DoS, but I'm not sure.)
Firstly, I will try to recover all cards made before shutdown and scripts. I already wrote to them and I'm waiting for results.
I will try to find a new hosting or make some low-bandwidth-and-cpu-usage generator (probably downloadable or HTML5 or AS3; I would like to make it in Java but... well: f*ck you Oracle).

I do have emotional, psychological and drug problems.
My story starts in October probably.
I had a friend. She was the first person I could honestly call a true friend. We met because of ponies. I could tell her my every secret and was understood and not judged. However, on this one day in October or maybe November, she turned away from me. She told me that she is fed up with me stalking her. It was true. But it was because I cared too much. I hadn't crush or something. (I think that source of problem is that my definition of friendship is sometimes mixing with romantic relationship; I now try to separate it as soon as I feel something is not right, did this mistake again with another person.) None of my acquaintances was so open-minded and I trusted her. After she did that, I saw a lot of mistakes I committed against her. I understood them. I might have even done them towards other people, but now I know at least some of them (definitely not all). I think I changed.
That day, the only thing that kept me away from suicide was alcohol and pot. After some time I felt that everything is fine and I don't really care. I focused on my studies. But now after 6 months it came back. I still love her (as a friend). I have hope that she may at least forgive me. I don't want it to be like in the past because I'm aware that it was toxic (and one of the mistakes: I knew about it and didn't do anything). I just don't want to be her enemy. She tried to hide from me. Changed usernames, blocked me everywhere.
Today, I took ethylphenidate. I needed it to focus on studying. I have friends (interesting fact that bronies) who support me like or . But still these relationships are not as powerful as one with her (at least on my side).
I also have some weird stuff going on with my gender identity. I'm asexual probably bi-romantic. I'm physically male, most of the time male. However, I sometimes address myself as a female. (Probably because I produce more estrogen than usual male). I need someone to whom I'm special and they are special to me (don't care if a girl or dude). I don't trust many, I don't tell everything about me to everyone. I just know that most of them won't understand.

TL;DR/Summary. I lost a friend, I still care about her, I take drugs (at least still not addicted), I'm not committing suicide, I don't have depression, I'm just sad.

Share love, spread love, because it's infinite and the highest value.
Cheers,
jeurobrony